It's Time We Updated The Blumpkin

Blumpkin (n.): The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump. Now many, if not all, are familiar with the above term blumpkin. The aforementioned term lives in myth and lore as the act of a male taking a dump while also receiving fellatio. Gags, chuckles, and hidden side eyes alike meet its mention. And while few claim, and are believed, to have received a blumpkin, its name brings forth the notion that one has peaked both in sexual acts, and in significant life events. In fact, some believe that the act of expelling semen and feces at the same time will lead to death.

I write this blog today, not to laud the blumpkin, because it needs no more praise, or less for that matter, than it already beckons. I write this blog today because now is the moment to make room in our lexicon for a new term, one that meets the demands of our progressive times. While I firmly believe that what happens in the bedroom, permitting it is consensual, is one’s own business, I think it’s time to move forward with newly acquired values while still treasuring what brought us here in the first place. We used to live in a world where a woman’s place (in a heterosexual blumpkin pairing) was to perform the fellatio while the man, enjoying said fellatio, expelling feces from his rectum; that world has changed.

People are now givers, and takers. What used to function as a land deed, now functions as an intricate courtship, a dance with one step to and one step fro. It’s time for a place in our sexual existence for an act that is not divided into black or white, yellow or pink, giving or taking, sucking or shitting. It’s time for the blumpkhimandher. In the blumpkhimandher, the lady performs fellatio while taking a shit; and by golly, mix it up. Make it two ladies, where one shits her brains out and the other sits on her brain cradle; or make it two fellas, in which one slobs a knob while delivering the ivory bowl a paint job. We have lived too long in a world where the most deviant sexual acts slant from benefactor to beneficiary; it’s time to introduce the 69’ing of the blumpkin world.

So, if giving and/or receiving blumpkins is your slice of pie, then carry on. However, if you look at the world and see a place that demands that the blumpkin reflect our rapidly changing times, and if you want to get your rod shined while your partner drops a massive deuce, then look no further. It’s 2017; we’re making the blumpkin progressive. Hop on the blumpkhimandher train, and clean both of your pipes at the same time.

P.S. We base certain pairings of this sexual act on the axiom that girls poop.

P.P.S. We’re waiting on our art department @boiz.club.fancy.pants to provide some graphics.