Woman Dumps Popcorn On Child’s Head In Movie Theater

Police said the 25-year-old woman dumped popcorn on the girl, hit her in the head with the empty container and ran off. The two-year-old suffered a contusion.

Full story here.

Yeah attacking little kids isn’t great but this isn’t attacking a little kid, this is attacking a misbehaving movie goer: something that I fully condone. You can’t just bring a kid into a movie theater and expect them to be put on a fucking pedestal. I’m not bowing down to your little genetic clone just they’re a third of my size and are allowed to drink soda this once. What is a 2-year-old doing at a movie? This isn’t like a plane where you have to get somewhere. Like, we can’t stop you from getting on a plane. In our day and age it’s how you’ve got to travel. We can hope that your kid is behaved, and we can hold a silent grudge against you if your kid starts crying- but when it comes down to you it, you’re in the shit too and you’re stuck just like the rest of us. This is not that; this is the movies. You only get to go if you can behave. You have to act like an adult. If your kid doesn’t then you have to leave. You’re not allowed, or expected that matter, to exit a plane mid-flight but you are allowed, and expected for that matter, to leave a theater if your kid is being a little shit.

This isn’t the dark ages, people, we have rules here. Okay? There’s a strict movie theater code, which I have yet to write, and it must be followed. The important notes are: turn your phone brightness down you animals, person who buys the popcorn or who was propositioned into sharing gets to hold the popcorn, a mouth should never, under any circumstance, make direct contact with shared popcorn still in the shared bucket, and of course, no fucking talking, crying, or non-movie related noises are allowed. Those are the rules. I’m a purist, sue me. I don’t need to pay 25 bucks for a movie-going experience to play second fiddle to your kid’s anxiety. 

Last note: calling this thing a contusion is such a blatant abuse of vocabulary. This kid had a bump on their head. Not saying throwing a container of popcorn at a kid isn’t a dramatic escalation of the situation, but let’s hold our horses before we start a GoFundMe for this fucking kid’s traumatic brain injury.