Alligator Farmer Almost Gets His Hand Bitten Off: The Least Surprising Sentence I've Ever Typed

MOSCA, Colo. (CBS4) — A Colorado alligator farmer who goes came extremely close to losing a hand while trying to get a close-up of a 900-pound gator.

In the video, Jay Young and Charles Wieand, get into a pond at the Colorado Gator Farm in Alamosa County.

They explain they need to give 20-year-old “Bruce” a workout because he’s overweight for his size.

Less than a minute later, the gator spins around in the murky water and lunges — snapping down on the cell phone, just inches from Young’s hand.

Full story here.

Look this is one of those news stories that isn’t news. Really? You’re going to waste ink on this? YOu’re going to pay someone to write this? I’m not being paid, I can write whatever I want! I can write about how water is wet and how that makes me feel if I want! You don’t have that liberty. Now you’ve done me this service of printing this garbage, and now I get to write about why that’s the way it is.

This isn’t news because I just assume EVERY gator farmer is almost getting their hand bitten off all the time. I reckon that as a gator farmer, you are always one degree away from losing a hand, or a foot, or a face. I don’t know, bee farmers get stung, horse farmers get kicked, and gator farmers get maimed. This isn’t a bunch of cows we’re talking about, although knowing farmers they probably call these gators cows. Farmers fucking LOVE calling things that aren’t cows cows.

Also, I don’t know man. You’re running around trying to exercise this obese alligator, he’s lunging at you, you’re calling him a big puppy, and I just find it hard to believe that one, he's a big puppy, and two, you have any clue what you're doing! It looks a lot like this thing would be fucking eating you if it wasn’t 900lbs overweight. “Good boy! good boy!” No! No! Not good boy! I guess maybe this is news, because this motherfucking gator farmer could be the dumbest person I’ve ever seen. I feel like i was defying nature by not watching this guy get eaten by Bruce the fattest alligator I've ever seen in my goddamn life. 

You run this alligator around all day, making him lose weight, calling him a little puppy bitch, dodging his huffing and puffing lunges like you’re the fat gator farming Muhammed Ali; well it’s all fun and games until finally lures you to sleep. If this gets you once you’re dead. You can dodge him a million times and still all that it’s going to take is one bite. You don’t get bitten by a 900lb alligator on the south beach diet and live to talk about it.