My Worst Nightmare: Man Pours Cereal, Snake Falls Out: Keegan Offs Himself

A man wasn't expecting to have "corn snakes" for breakfast Saturday morning — but that's exactly what he got as a 3-foot snake slithered out of his cereal box and into his dishwasher.

The man was "terrified" as the box moved and he watched a long white snake emerge inside his Yorkshire, England home. He called the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA) for backup.

Full story here.

This one hits close to home. I love cereal. I love a good bowl of raisin bran or grape nuts to tide me over in between meals, and there’s nothing like splurging on some reese’s crunch. It would break my fucking heart to never be able to eat cereal again, but that’s exactly what would happen. My mom talks all the time about how she found a worm in a butterfinger candy bar and could never eat them again, well it would be that times a million with me a cereal. Jesus, Mom, stop complaining for a second and think about how much more often I eat cereal than you ate butterfingers. Probably way more often. Definitely way more often.

It’s the whole element of reaching into the unknown and suddenly having there be a snake that’s so scary. Terrifying, even. A cereal box shouldn’t be unknown. A cereal box shouldn’t be dangerous. A cereal box should never have snakes in it. It’s just not right. It’s a sacred arena, for colorful, sugary carbohydrate and not for reptiles.

I tell you what though, this happened in England. Well as many of you know they haven’t had snakes in England since St. Patrick banished them all to Florida (this is why St. Patrick’s day is huge in both England and Florida) so the fact that one shows up now, immediately after the royal wedding, seems pretty suspicious to me.