0 out of 10 royal proposal. If it were up to me I'd call it all off.

I wrote this blog three weeks ago and published it to the wrong page, so you get to read it now! Blogging is hard!

Look I'll own this one: from September to January I'm a deplorable piece of shit. You may not be able to see it, but it's surely true.

Is this the voice of a disgruntled fan who lives in misery and squalor? Yes, but that's the voice I trust the most.

If it were up to me, I'd play every basketball game 3 on 5. No pressure, and the other team feels like shit either way!

Jameis Winston: avid subscriber to "all press is good press".

This story makes so much more sense now that I know the Chihuahua abuse took place in Glastonbury, Connecticut, not England.

I take pride in standing by my beliefs no matter what. This is the exception. I'm a traitor to my own cause and I couldn't be happier about it.

This story expelled hate from my body, that's how sweet it was.

Mars is dead! Long live Ross 128 b!

I may be projecting some fears onto this blog because I just spent the past week eating an absurd amount of frozen cookie dough.

North Korea, not the place you want to mess up!

Uber, so very, very not hot right now!

This just seems like some bad judgement on anyone's part whose job it was to make sure that JFK didn't get shot in the head.

Man if only I could imagine a country that consumes everything to excess and could really benefit from this...

Here's a big old case of I fuckin' told you so.

We can still be thankful for consensual dick pics, right?

A quick fix for when these blogs get a little too cheerful.

I'm legitimately shocked that we're still studying Mars. The biggest discovery we've made about Mars is that it is SUPER boring.

Years from now, a millionaire blogger, I'll look back fondly on Roy Moore as my first blog-fodder.