The story within a story that nobody's looking at is that bear mace saved this guy's fucking marriage.

Here's a crazy thing to have to write: if you say a baby is dead, that baby better be fuckin' dead.

This is why you gotta take your kids to normal haircuts, folks, because if you don't they turn into me.

Ratting on an Animal House themed party is maybe the meanest thing you can do to a college dude.

Very important to have a brand; also very important that that brand isn't houses blowing up at random.

The writing of this blog is a solo enterprise but fuck I need to hire this kid.

Portrait of a young blogger self-destructing because of a sport he doesn't know.

I send all of my packages to the wrong address anyway, so this would never happen to me; but still, so mean.EDITOR'S NOTE: of course this is happening in Philadelphia. The meanest city in the world.

Let's run through a scenario where this could work.EDITOR UPDATE: THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A PLOY BY TSA TO SHOW US THAT THEY DO ANYTHING AT ALL.

On the record: if you are using this level of coordination to rob a pickup truck and a couple credit cards then you are wasting your talent.

Happens the same time every year. More or less have the same people buying every year. Stock doesn't change. Style doesn't change. Seems like a pretty good set up!

Sucks if you're a rich, shitty person, and rules if you're everybody else!

The intimacy of a basketball court combined with the lack of helmets covering players' and coaches' shocked faces, and referee-directed death threats make NBA ejections something special.

A fast food witch hunt this will not be.

Writing this blog took revisiting one of my deepest, most tragic heartbreaks.

Never start a land war in Asia, and never bite a dog; they're by far the best biters.

Gave up a lot of my pride and decency when I entered blog life, and consequently lost whatever I had left on Sunday morning.

You're wedding should match your life philosophy in some way. Which is why it makes sense that Kim and Ryan had base jumpers throwing thousands of flower petals while leaping off cliffs, and my wedding will feature my friends, high as fuck, lying on our couch, eating chips off our chests, quoting Mall Rats and Swingers.

Rats are evolving and leaping into strollers and I'd still rather live here than snake capital Bangkok.

I'll tell you this: the guy's weird for sure, but you can't fault his work ethic.