I reopen a bunch of old wounds surrounding Paul Walker's death and convince myself that Vin Diesel might be my dad.

I want a Mueller pumpkin for every colluding fuck!

Sooooooooo dumb. Sooooooooo dumb. If you want an electricity free cabin I can point you to fuckin' thirty of them in the Vermont/New Hampshire area.

My apartment's being dismantled by plumbers, so I'll take this opportunity to make it abundantly clear how I feel about Lebron James.

Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for the Jumanji sequel!

Dear blog: things are not going so good.

Never have I ever been more disappointed in a government institution that I am with NASA at this very moment. At least faking the moon landing took balls.

Losers get locked out, and the world isn't built for losers!

Please click this, I can't contain my enthusiasm about one thing in particular.

He must be PISSED he went through the effort of keeping three passports up to date and still got caught!

A conspiracy that goes all the way to the core of the Cleveland Visitors Center...

My official statement on this: a terrible waste of meth.

Hey you! You're lucky to even be able to read!

I cried playing the first one, I'll surely cry playing the second, and I may or may not be crying now.

This is one of the few times I'll disagree with "science". If our airplane starts shaking we're all going to die.

annnnnnd I think I just convinced myself that throwing your pee is worse than murder.

I'm starting to think this guy killed Kim Wall!

No way this is true *rushes to check if current healthcare plan covers cancer*

Your daily reminder that I'm a coward, and my daily reminder that my fear of open water might demand I speak to a professional.