LA's clearly the only place this would work; these things would cost 10,000 bucks per ride in New York, and Philly would just dismantle them and throw the scraps at tourists' children.

If the guy running for office is the same guy trying to rub tummies at the mall, you should speak up.

Well guaranteed this is the last Good Samaritan deed Joni Bontrager does ever. Thanks for ruining it for us, guys, you probably just carjacked the would-be next Ghandi, who will now be the next Ted Bundy.

It's cool, it's not like you have any amazing books, existing movie adaptations, or my insane standards to live up to. Bar's as low as can be.

This story would have been all the convincing I needed to wear a condom if I ever had sex in high school.

Cue a million "My college parties were much sicker than yours" comments. Just kidding, nobody comments on these blogs and my life is meaningless.

Honestly, your best bet to recover an onside kick in Madden is to find a blind and deaf cat and let it handle the sticks for the play.

If a bear makes it inside your home, you have to realize that 1. you might get eaten if you don't leave, and 2. you've been holding bears to a double standard.

There are times where you just have to step up and say something, and this is one of those times. So all you, psychopath cereal eaters, if you really do exist, read here.

There's a thin line between being the idiot who doesn't know when to stay down, and being the idiot who kills everybody.

Never have my firm belief in karma, curses, and deep fear of the open ocean come together in such harmony.

If you have friends like Jim Ziegler and Jerry Moore who will step up and speak to your defense, the safe bet would be to never do anything bad at all.

I learned how many cigarettes are in a pack to write this article!

Isn't the bright side of babies that they can't get their feelings hurt?

You couldn't pay me enough money to dismiss Obama from a court room, I would quit on the spot.

Well eating Nutella with a dusty spoon was my #1 most anticipated activity for the apocalypse bunker, so it's time to have a tough conversation with myself.

With the number of quarterback injuries in the league, Martellus Bennett could be the first player to play for every team.

Questioning your quarterback's toughness and cutting a veteran guy when decides to have season-ending surgery can't possibly back fire, can it?