This guy successfully stealing a locomotive would have been equivalent to me solving a rubik's cube.

Given that the last house cleaning of military advisors ended in an execution by anti-aircraft gun, night school doesn't seem so bad!

Better to have loved a barber and lost, than never to have loved a barber at all?

You sign a deal with the devil when you eat fast food. You trade the deliciousness of that fatty, fried goodness for the risk that you may eat some grandmother's toe. No such contract exists with Trader Joes.

This is only a relief in the sense that if they became friends we'd have to nuke ourselves. And look, just like that I'm on a watchlist. That's how you do it, kids.

Any time you have an old nerdy white guy call another nerdy white guy a "pussy", it's time to whip out the popcorn.

Here I was thinking maybe we had some good eggs out there, people who could do their jobs without abusing their position or status, but nope we got us a bunch of creepy dudes!

If choose to get a cat over a dog, I'm not saying you deserve to die; I'm just saying that there's a 33% chance you die sooner than me.

It's Friday and I give up; if you want to harken back to the days where planes crashed because their batteries died, or just because that's what airplanes did back then, be my guest.

Impressive how not long that took.

Nothing worse than a plain penis.

Jasper County, time to step up and show us some of that classic Iowan vigilante justice.

In this blog, I had to choose between making fun of the girl with the service dog for panic attacks or the the girl with allergies and the Crohns disease. I choose to make fun of the allergies and the Crohns disease, because I don't know what that is. I'm a monster.

Thanks Stephen, you're going to make all of our Saturday pick-up games even more ridiculous than they already are.

I like, everybody else, thought background actors grew on trees; and I, like everybody else, was wrong. They don't.

I'm describing this as a showdown because my subconscious wants them to be enemies, but OBVIOUSLY they're going to be best friends. We're all going to die.

Throw me in a pool with the most gentle of sharks, and I'll drown myself before that thing even smells me.

How much is 18 million in parking tickets? One week's worth?